There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I'll never laugh at.

Sage and I saw “Brokeback Mountain” on Sunday. It’s a really great film, and if you have any thoughts about not going to see it because it’s a “gay cowboy movie”, I suggest you get past your hang-ups and go see it. It’s a wonderful portrayal of two people who love each other but have no way of showing it without danger of abuse or even being murdered. It’s a story that has been told many times before (Romeo and Juliet might have been the first time), and just because it’s two men doesn’t make it any less dramatic (or tragic). But I’m not writing this blog about the movie. While the movie was great, I had a hard time concentrating on it at times because of the three idiot women sitting behind us.

First off, Sage and I usually try not to see a movie the first weekend, when it’s usually a lot more crowded. We always go to a matinee, which have less people in them, and usually on Sunday (usually less crowded than a Saturday). Our preferred theater is the Kentlands Stadium 10 in Gaithersburg. Kentlands is fabulous. First, and above all the most important aspect of going to a theater to see a movie, they do NOT show commercials and will only show 1 (that’s ONE) preview before the feature presentation begins. This, by far, makes the movie-going experience so much more pleasant than other places in town. The Rio complex in Gaithersburg, by contrast, is one of the worst. If a movie is supposed to start at Rio at 1:15, then you can be sure at 1:15 they will begin the 5-10 minutes of ads, and then after that a good 15-20 minutes of previews. Even for a movie that’s over 2 ½ hours long, they will always have 15-20 minutes of filler before the movie starts. Considering you need to get there 10-15 minutes early to find a seat, you’re looking at adding 30-35 minutes of ass time before the movie begins! This only encourages people to show up at the movie 20 minutes late, which of course is not only distracting but also completely rude to those of us trying to enjoy the movie if it has already begun. But at Kentlands, if the movie is scheduled to begin at 1:15, then the first and only preview begins at 1:15, and the movie will be starting no later than 3-5 minutes after that.

Unfortunately Kentlands has some drawbacks as well. Because it is smaller it usually doesn’t have a really early matinee, which we prefer. (When we lived in Tampa there was a theater that would have a 10:00 am showing on the weekends, which we loved. We could be out of there by lunch and have the whole day ahead of us.) The earliest at Kentlands is usually between 1:00 and 2:00, while at Rio it’s as early as 11:00 some times. Also, another problem with Kentlands is they do not get as good of a selection of movies as we’d like. Lately we’ve been lucky, as they’ve carried films that we wanted to see (such as “HP & the Goblet of Fire” and “Syriana”). “Brokeback Mountain”, however, was not released to Kentlands this weekend. In fact the only place it was playing close to us (maybe in the entirety of Maryland) was in Bethesda at the Landmark Cinemas. Landmark is actually a nice place to see movies. It’s new, and tries to be a bit more upscale, and many times is the only place to catch independent movies. Unfortunately they only have 1 bargain matinee a day (the 1st showing only; even if the 1st showing is at 11:00, and the 2nd is at 1:30, that 1:30 showing is going to be full price, over $9.00), and parking in Bethesda can be a pain on even the best day. On top of that, they also prefer showing plenty of previews, though only in the 10-minute range or so. Because you don’t see many families with kids or roving gangs of teenagers at Landmark, the movie experience is usually pretty good. Most times we’ve seen movies there the crowd has been very quiet, with very little candy/popcorn packaging rustling or trips to and from the bathroom. Yesterday, however, we weren’t so lucky.

We headed to the first showing of “BM” at Landmark, which was at 11:15. We got to the theater about 30 minutes early, and it was good thing we did. We purchased tickets through the automated machines (which I like because a) they’re inside, and b) I don’t have to be stuck in a line with idiots who wait until the last minute when they get to the ticket window and say, “Let’s see, what movie should I go to today?”), and it handily told us that there were only 41% seats available to this showing. It obviously was going to be pretty full. We normally like to go straight to the back row of the theater for one simple reason: if you’re in the back row, no one can be behind you, kicking your seat, making noise with their milk duds, or talking in your ear. (We’re also not “middle of the row” people. I mean, I’ve seen hundreds of movies in theaters in my day, and I’ve sat all the way over to the side as well as right in the middle. And you know what? You can see the entire movie no matter where you sit! Maybe if you’re in the front row and you’re all the way to the side, I could see that maybe the film would look a little weird. But I’ll never understand why all these people congregate right in the middle of the theater, right next to everyone. The screens and sound systems these days make seeing a movie from any seat pretty much exactly the same.) Unfortunately, as the theater was already filling up, we couldn’t get last row. We ended up in the 2nd to last row, on the aisle, and right in front of a group of 3 middle-aged women. Right away we thought we might be in trouble, as they were chatting away as loudly as they cared. I mean, the movie isn’t starting for 30 minutes, feel free to chat up with your friends. But keep it down, please! What’s with talking so loud that the folks in the front row can hear all about your Aunt Mabel’s hysterectomy? Are you sure that Aunt Mabel would approve?

I tuned the talkers out read my magazine until the movie started. By this time the entire theater was packed. As the opening credits started to roll, the noise from behind started to begin. I classify it as noise because it wasn’t just talking. There was plenty of whispered remarks right off the back (“Oh, isn’t that gorgeous?” “Oh my, look at those sheep.”), but also other noises coming from one of the woman’s mouth. Chuckles, snorts, and grunts seem to come out of her no matter what was happening on the screen. An old truck pulls up outside a store and stalls, and the woman has to giggle. A bear shows up, and she has to gasp. But worst of all, of any of the noises that emanated from her wicked mouth, was the inappropriate laughter.

Inappropriate laughter, or IL, is something I witness all the time at the movie theaters. It usually happens in a drama where there is a light-hearted or comic relief scene unfolding. It’s usually something that is simply intended to invoke a small smile on the moviegoer’s face, and in most cases there’s usually a twinge of sadness to go along with the slight humor. By no means is a “Wedding Crashers” guffaw ever warranted, but sure enough there are usually 2 or 3 people in the audience who feel the need to let out a huge belly laugh, that is so obviously forced. I think there are several things at work here. First, I think most people feel this need, when they’re out in public, to be heard and seen. They want everyone else in the theater to hear them laugh, to almost be saying, “Hey, I found this funny -- therefore I’m smarter than you and don’t you forget it.” Second, a lot of times the laughing happens because I think the person feels uncomfortable by what is happening on the screen, and for some reason, probably because of a repressed childhood, they don’t know how to react, so they let out a laugh. This is when they seem to be saying, “Whoa, I didn’t expect that to happen, and I don’t know how to feel about it, so I’ll just laugh it off.” These people should not even be allowed into a movie theater, and I think their right to live on the Planet Earth should be questioned as well.

Unfortunately for us, this woman behind us at “BM” was the Queen of IL. Heath Ledger was carrying a sheep on his horse across a riverbed – she laughed. Jake Gyllenhall picks up a prostitute in Mexico – she laughed. There was also a time when there was a semi-funny moment on the screen where a lot of the crowd laughed. The woman behind us waited a few seconds, and then started to laugh. It was almost as if she didn’t find anything funny, but she heard everyone else laughing so she thought, “Oh, I guess I better laugh!” But there was a moment that really pissed me off in her IL. About mid-way through the movie, the two male leads meet up again after 4 years or so apart, and end up in a passionate kiss together. Unfortunately one of their wives sees them in this kiss. The wife, who has been in love with her husband for over 4 years, married for over 3, and has had 2 children with him, discovers in one shocking instant that her husband is not only a homosexual (though it’s probably more right to call him bisexual, though I’m sure she sees him as a homosexual), but also obviously in love with someone else (and this someone else is another man). Throw on top of all this the fact that she is a devout Christian, so his actions are also contrary to her religious beliefs. This woman’s entire foundation of what she thought was her life has just crumbled in this one instant. So what does the woman behind us do? SHE LAUGHS. I really wish I had turned around and plainly stated to her, “What is so funny? What do you find even remotely humorous in this woman’s heartbreak and pain?”

I’m still annoyed at this group of women behind us at the movie because they completely took me out of my involvement with the film. I always try to keep my concentration on a movie even if someone is being distracting around me. Movies should envelop you within them, and good movies should make you forget that you’re even sitting in a theater, almost as if you become a part of the film. But every time someone is talking, eating, or laughing around me, I lose a part of that. I thought “BM” was a great movie, but I also think that if I didn’t have these morons behind me, it might have held my attention so much more, and maybe I’ve taken some “points” away from the movie because of that; not because there was something off in the movie, but because I was put off in the theater.

So for all of you out there who think talking during the movie is acceptable, or who has to make some sort of noise or comment during any point of the film, please keep this in mind: You’re not in your living room. You are in a PUBLIC THEATER. Seeing a movie is NOT a sociable event. Just because there are other people around you doesn’t mean that they should (or need to) be talked to. Discuss the movie afterwards over coffee or chips. But during the movie, keep your freaking pie hole shut. Otherwise watch it in your own home when it comes out on DVD. Then you can chat all you want.