It Might As Well Be Spring

Sage mentioned to me the other day that I hadn’t done a shot glass blog in a while. There are two main reasons for this. 1: Almost all of my shot glasses are still packed away, awaiting a permanent home whenever we buy a house up here and move in; and 2: I’m really lazy. But then last week I realized I had broken the 500 barrier with my collection, and Sage said why not blog about #500. Great idea, I thought, but unfortunately it’s just a boring Phish shot glass. (Part of a birthday present to myself, along with their latest DVD, a show from Walnut Creek in 1997.) But #501? Now that is one I can write about. #501 was just purchased last week at the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines.
I was in Iowa for our fulfillment house’s annual client conference, which they always hold during the Iowa State Fair. Sage was excited, mentioning this is the same state fair that takes place during the musical State Fair. Having never seen it, my excitement was more tepid. I haven’t been a fan of most big fairs I’ve been to, but I figured the fair would be good for the people watching value alone. Also, we were kind of required to go, so I wasn’t getting out of it.

Unfortunately I was the only person from my office going to these conferences, and besides a couple people I’ve worked with at the fulfillment house for the past few months, I knew no one else. But I usually make do by myself just fine, and jumped on the courtesy shuttle from our hotel to the fair at 4:00 pm last Tuesday for the ride to the fairgrounds. We were going to have a dinner at the fair at 6 where I was going to meet up with the only 2 people I knew here, so I guessed this would give me a good amount of time to look around first. The shuttle bus dropped us off at the main gate, and I walked in straight into the “midway”. After about 2 minutes I was ready to get out of there. The midway was like any fair’s midway, but the only way I could describe it is in terms that only New Hampshire folks will understand: It was like Concord’s Kiwanis Trade Fair times 1,000 – and in only a bad way. Maybe it was just the crush of people, the inane, blaring music, or the crappy carnival rides, but it completely overloaded my relaxed state of mind. The worst part was probably the dunking booth (yes, they had a dunking booth) which featured a clown known as “Bobo”. (Clever take off of Bozo. These folks should be writing in Hollywood.) He would sit in his tank and taunt throwers and non-throwers alike with ridiculously bad and old jokes. (He referred to one guy as “Vanilla Ice”. Hey, it was current in 1992!)

Thankfully I was able to get past the midway in a few minutes time, and could explore what the rest of the fair had to offer. The best part of the fair, by far, was the animals. I spent some time in the cow and pig barns, where there were just endless rows of award winning cows and pigs. It smelled rather ripe, but they were cute nonetheless. The main attraction in the pig barn was the “Big Boar”. It was so popular, in fact, that I could barely get close enough to get a look – and what a porker it was. He looked to be the size of a Volkswagen Beetle, and I can not imagine that he could even hold himself up on his feet if he tried. Impressive, but makes me wonder how he got that big – steroids was my first thought. “The pig is JUICED!”, I wanted to yell, but figured it would fall on deaf ears. There was also a very large bull elk in the pig barn, as well as some miniature horses, regular sized horses, and a few sheep. (The main sheep barn was closed for some reason, so I didn’t get to see many of those.) While walking around outside the barns it was fun to just happen to see some 12 year old kid walking by, pulling the reins on a cow that was trailing him. In fact, there were plenty of cows just walking around the fair. (Which made me want to say, “A lot of cows right here in the lobby”. But unfortunately there was no one to share my snark with.)

While the animals were the main attraction for me, it was obvious what brought the crowds in: the food. I had been “warned” before coming that all the food at the fair was fried and on a stick. (Which was why I had a big lunch before I came.) This information couldn’t have been more correct. And when I say everything is fried and on a stick, I do mean EVERYTHING. You have your basic fried-and-on-a-stick food, such as corn dogs, beef sticks, and ice cream, but they also had Oreos, Snickers, and pineapple. Fried – and on a stick. I thought I had seen it all, until later on I saw a food stall all off by itself, behind a large building – almost as if it was being punished. The food it served? “Salad on a Stick”. Yes, I had seen it all. And THEN I saw a sign that said, "The ORIGINAL Hot Beef Sundae!" I screamed and ran in the other direction.

Of course it was hyperbole to say that all food was on a stick. I found plenty of burger stalls, sandwich offerings, and even an “Italian Grinder” booth. (“Stop by and ask us what a ‘Grinder’ is!”, the sign stated. I smiled and chuckled knowingly.) One of the other food items that surprised me when I saw it was called a “Walking Taco”. Having no idea what they were, once I got to our dinner I had to ask. (Not to mention that the “walking tacos” were probably the most popular item at our picnic dinner.) Here’s what they are: Take a small Doritos bag and slice it open lengthwise. Throw chili, lettuce, tomatoes and cheese on top of the chips. Serve the bag. So basically a taco salad made in a Doritos bag. Who ever said the Iowans don’t have taste?

There were other highlights of the fair, the biggest being the Butter Cow. Yes, an entire cow carved out of butter. During my initial wanderings of the fair I actually couldn’t find it, but after dinner I was hijacked by my account manager and her boss to be dragged around the fair. They brought me to the building with the Butter Cow, and sure enough, the line extended out the door. Along with the Butter Cow, they always have one other sculpture every year. In past years they have had Butter Elvis, a Butter Harley Davidson, even the Butter Last Supper. (When people spoke of the Butter Last Supper, they almost had tears in their eyes.) This year, the choice was obvious: a Butter Shawn Johnson, complete with a butter balance beam. (Shawn is from West Des Moines, and the folks of Iowa couldn't be prouder to call her their own.) Too bad the dairy inspiration could only get her a silver medal in the Women’s Gymnastic’s All-Around.

The Butter Cow building also housed the champion produce, including eggplants, beans, and of course corn. Unfortunately I never found where the baking champions were being showcased, but I was taken to the “Cultural Center”, a building which showcased the best Iowa Amateur photography of the year. Lots of pictures of corn fields, barns, and the state house. Well done, all! And speaking of cultural highlights, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the headlining entertainment at the main fairgrounds state: .38 Special and the Charlie Daniels Band.

Okay, so as you can see, I was not that thrilled with the fair. Amazingly enough, I didn’t eat one item of food at the fair (and my cholesterol level thanks me immensely), but I did have quite a bit of beer, which is probably the only thing to keep me going. And that brings me to the absolute BEST part of the Iowa State Fair: They had Fat Tire beer on tap. So all in all, I can’t say the day was a complete failure.

And that is the story of shot glass #501.