Fellas, don't drink that coffee! You'd never guess. There was a fish... in the percolator!

So here are 5 things people would be surprised to know about me.

1. I can’t drink coffee out of a cup through the small hole on the lid. For some reason, I can only drink it with the top off.
2. I can’t stand coffee that’s lukewarm or tepid. It has to be as hot as possible.
3. I always drink black coffee – no sugar, no milk. Same with tea, of course.
   
4. I can’t stand walking around with change in my pocket.
5. I wear long underwear practically every day of the year whenever the temperature is below 45 degrees.
   

What do these things have to do with anything? Well, I have a story to tell about coffee, and figured this was as good a way as any to get it going. (In truth, #’s 4 and 5 have no bearing at all to the post below, but lists just seem better when there’s at least 5 items on them.) I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee lately. I used to be an occasional coffee drinker – one or two cups a week, usually only on the weekends to accompany breakfast. But last year I started stopping at a couple of coffee shops around the corner from work. Kookoo is one of them, an independent café that features a lot of vegetarian lunch entrees. They also make their own scones, and I occasionally would stop for a coffee and scone on the way to work. Other times I would stop at Starbucks instead, as it’s a bit more convenient the way I walk to the office. This was kind of new to me, as I’ve never been a big Starbucks fan. The first time I ever went into one, probably in 1999 or so, I remember asking for a small coffee, and handing over a dollar. The guy behind the counter kind of just looked at me and said, “Um, it’s $1.29?” I was like, “Oh, I said small coffee.” And you could imagine where it went from there. Yes, I had been living in a shell for too long, obviously, and didn’t realize that a small coffee cost more than $.59. Needless to say I didn’t make an effort to head back any time soon.

There have always been 3 other things about Starbucks (besides the cost) that has bothered me. First, is the stupid nomenclature. Paul Rudd’s commentary in the movie Role Models mocks it better than I ever could. Tall, Venti, Grande – come on. You’re selling coffee in Brookline, MA, not serving it in a café in Milan.

The 2nd thing that always bothered me is the whole “barista” thing. You’re pouring coffee, and sometimes whipping up some cream to put on top. It's like calling the clerk at the Brew Thru a sommelier. Most of the people who insist on being called baristas don’t even realize it’s Italian for “bartender” – a job that chimps could train tamarins to do.

And 3rd, it’s the ridiculousness of all the different selections we have now. Once again I must defer to a comic genius (this time Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm), so provide the snark. “Milk and coffee, who knew?!?!”.

Nevertheless, I started finding myself stopping at Starbucks a couple times a week instead of Kookoo. I didn’t like giving my business to the large corporation over the smaller, independent coffee shop, but there were 2 main reasons why I did. 1) It was cheaper. Not by much, but getting a small coffee and scone at Kookoo was over $4.25, while a small coffee and apple fritter at Starbucks was only $3.50. Not huge, but every nickel counts these days. 2) It was better. Yes, I hate to say it, but the coffee at Starbucks tasted so much better than Kookoo, I just decided to start patronizing Starbucks instead.

After hitting it a couple times a week, I noticed something weird going on: I was a lot more productive at work when I had a coffee in the morning than when I didn’t. Obviously I’m not going to win a Nobel prize with such a discovery, but it kind of surprised me. Normally coffee doesn’t affect me too much – I can normally drink a cup right before bed and it wouldn’t keep me up. But this productivity – well, that was too much to ignore. I decided to go with this new breakthrough, and started drinking it every day. And would you believe it – it worked! So all of a sudden, I’ve become a Starbucks junkie.

After going every day for a while, I noticed that a lot of people use Starbucks gift cards to pay all the time. I realized I needed to get on that train – I’m all for living in a paperless society. So I got myself a card, and set it up online so that it automatically reloads the balance if it drops below $5. This is great – now I just hand over my card when I order, I don’t get/need a receipt, and I don’t need to worry about paying cash (or that annoying change I get that keeps making noise in my pocket – so #4 is kind of relevant to this story). Then I realized – paperless society, but I’m getting a paper cup of coffee EVERY DAY. That has to stop. So my New Year’s resolution this year (one I knew I could keep) was to get one of those insulated, refillable mugs that they sell. This not only would cut down on the paper waste, but the insulation will keep my coffee hot longer (see #2 above). So today I finally bought myself a refillable mug for my coffee. (Yes, I had to work MLK day. And I realized that if I was still working at National Geographic, I’d be in the middle of a 4-day weekend right now. They got today off, and because of the inauguration tomorrow, they would have that off as well. Ah well.)

So with my newly purchased mug of coffee in hand, I trudged on to work through the foot of snow that fell over the past 36 hours. (Yes, another snowstorm. It’s getting OLD.) I get in to work, and take the lid off the mug to drink my coffee (the lid did have a pull-back tab, but due to #1 above, I needed to take the lid off). As I did this, coffee went flying all over my desk. It seems that the “barista” filled it all the way to the top, figuring that no one in their right mind would take the lid off in order to drink when there’s a tab on the top to drink out of. (Also, they usually ask if I want room for milk, but since I always drink it black – see #3 above – they must take that as an indication I want it filled to the brim.) So after cleaning all of that up, I took my first sip. Then I realized that the rim around the mug is extremely thick and wide – again, it obviously wasn’t built for someone to drink from the mug itself. Annoying issue #2 in the books. When I realize that drinking with the lid off won’t be working, I put the lid on and try drinking through the small tab. When I do that, coffee comes dribbling all down my shirt and onto my lap! So I figure I must be doing something wrong, so I try it again, and the SAME THING HAPPENS. So now I’m thinking that I’m going to have to return this stupid thing, or worse, get lessons on how to drink out of a mug that has a lid with a hole in the top.

And then I realized that I just hadn’t tightened the lid on tight enough.

After all of that, I actually wasn’t bothered by drinking out of the tab on the lid. It has insulation all around it, which doesn’t make the coffee stream out in a hot gush like it normally does from a paper cup with a plastic lid. So at the end of it all, I guess it’s all going to turn out okay. I’m not going to be wasting paper cups any more, the mug will keep my coffee hotter longer, and I’m actually learning how to drink through the lid. I guess one would call this a successful day – or maybe I’m just growing up a little bit at a time.